You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
