Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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