Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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