do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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