Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
