This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
