I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
