Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
