thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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