I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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