He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your cock deserves a montage
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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