I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
These tits shall not be calmed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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