i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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