Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize