i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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