you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
