i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
