did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
