mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
