The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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