We won't sleep together?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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