Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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