She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
