It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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