I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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