The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize