I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
