Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
