OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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