he wants to bone in the snuggie
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
