Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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