its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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