apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
