So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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