I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
