Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
