We're like a lot better than the average bears
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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