i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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