I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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