so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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