if you like me you must not know who I am
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
