Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
