Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
