Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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