i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
