The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
