how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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