Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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