Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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