My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wear drunk well.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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