1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Randomize
