I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
