I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
