Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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