I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
