Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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