I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
