I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
