I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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