Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
