She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We are all done wearing pants today
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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