I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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