did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
