i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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