I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
