There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
