I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
