The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
