so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
