she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
